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8th Grader Sues School After Loosing In Dodge-Ball Game By: Virgil |
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Everyday at Sunny Hill Elementary School you'll find kids hard at work in the classrooms, learning the lessons of the world. Everyday you'll find kids eating lunch, enjoying recess, and forging incredible friendships that will last a lifetime. And everyday, you'll find a gym class playing dodge-ball. But it's not everyday you find a child willing to sue his school over a lost dodge-ball game. Yes, first liquor hit our schools, then drugs, then violence, and now...lawsuits. Some say this problem started with the Little Timmy vs. State of Nevada School Board case back in 1994 in which one Timothy Bilser sued the state of Nevada School Board for food poisoning from his local school's cafeteria. Little Timmy didn't live to see the end of the trial, but his parents won a rather large amount of money for the departure of their son. Ever since then, lawsuits against schools and school systems have been springing up all over the place. Teachers could no longer abuse students (physically, mentally, and sexually) and get away with it. It seemed this wave of lawsuits was bringing reform and peace to our public schools. But then, it went too far. People started suing the schools for moral damage done to their kids from failing a test or getting suspended. The school systems kept losing more and more money until eventually the states were forced to allow every student in the state to pass every class. But never has it been like this... |
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| Recently, the Connecticut Board of Education received a complaint from one Thomas Picknett, a 13 year old 8th grader from Sunny Hill Elementary School saying that he was going to sue the school system for emotional and physical damages inflicted from a lost dodge ball game. Thomas, or T-Bone as his friends call him, claims that his school should be held responsible for the welt on his leg and the emotional damage that was caused when his undefeated dodge-ball record was lost. The incident, occurring at approximately 10:00 a.m. on Monday, June 4, 2001, was very involved and complicated. T-Bone had survived all the way up until there were only 4 children left in the game. The others, knowing that if they ganged up on the reigning champ, could easily eliminate him, barraged T-Bone with every rubber ball they could find. He put up a good fight, but was eventually knocked out and his title was lost. Reflecting on the incident, T-Bone blamed his teacher for not stopping the evil alliance from knocking him out of the game. After confronting his teacher with loud shouts, he was sent to the principles office to think about what he had done. The principle sent Timmy home for being so disrespectful. That's when the trouble started. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Timmy quickly told his mother the goings-on and she called the school up right away. She demanded her son be sent back to school and his undefeated dodge-ball record be restored. When the school refused to comply, the Picknett family picked up the phone and dialed their lawyer, Martin A. Shortpenis. We interviewed Mr. Shortpenis, but he would make no comments on the origin of his last name. We were all as disappointed as you are. He did, however, say that the law clearly says that the state should be held responsible for any damages a state institution causes a child, and a public school is a state institution. His firm, Shortpenis, Bigtitties, & Smith Lawyers intend to fully defend the Picknett family and win them a large settlement. Jason Bigtitties commented, saying, "This young, disturbed child should not have to suffer these horrible emotional problems...because of the negligence of [the State]...to allow this sort of thing to happen in a public school is...completely ridiculous." We also asked County Education Chairman Ely Whaller about the incident and he said, "...yes....I do think...this young man...should be rewarded...for this....lawsuit."* Perhaps parts of the quote were taken out of context, but he did say those words. The state will be represented by a star team of lawyers. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| When asked for comment, his teacher, Mrs. Buffy, said only, "there's no rule in the book that says those kids couldn't gang up on that little turd. You are going to edit this aren't you? What magazine did you say you were from?" After dodging her questions and leaving the school, we took her opinion into perspective and asked some high-profile lawyers what they thought. Johnny Cockroach said, "if the ball didn't hit, you must acquit." While most lawyers agree with the state, many do agree with the Picknetts. "This lawsuit is a gateway to a new age in America...an age where kids can learn and be the best without interruption....this is an incredible way for families to make money, as well," says Gerald Brockheimer, a Californian lawyer. Bill Gates, having no relevancy to this report at all, told our crack team of reporters and interviewers to "get the hell out of [his] house." As you can see, emotions are running high in this case. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The trial is scheduled for July
5th, in the Boobiesville County Courthouse. Judge Edward
Krotch will be presiding, as both sides present their controversial
cases. The trial is expected to last anywhere from 2 to 20
weeks. Many protestors of both cases have been outside the
courtroom fighting with each other. Never has the state of
Connecticut been so torn. Never has there been so much controversy
in a Connecticut courtroom. Never has Connecticut received
national attention like this. The outcome may be unsure, but one thing
isn't; Thomas Picknett has balls.
*full text of quote actually: "For all of those who say yes to frivolous lawsuits, I say shame on you. I do think this lawsuit is completely ridiculous. I cannot believe that this young man has people believing that he should be rewarded with the taxpayers money for this moronic lawsuit."* |
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