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Whorer-Scopes
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Aquarius (January 21 to February 19) - Don't be
fooled by someone you have met recently or by a friend who has
played you false in the past, he/she IS suffering from a
sexually transmitted disease. Take this Saturday to reevaluate
your priorities. Remember: sex is important, but not as
important as...never mind, sex is more important than
anything. |
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Aries (March 21 to April 20) - This is your
day and time to get naked! Consider having a get
together with a few good friends (orgy). Weather
permitting, a backyard Bar-B-Que sounds like fun (I think we
both know what backyard I'm talking about). Be especially
careful of diseases that might come your way. |
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Cancer (June 22 to July 22) - You may have to
put off your weekend plans because friends and family place
heavy demands on your time and resources today (put your porn
videos away, its an intervention). An adult son/daughter may
have problems that only you can solve, so be prepared (make sure
you tell them to use double strength condoms). Late afternoon
brings peace and quiet by clearing your mind with a good
magazine (Hustler, Playboy, etc.) |
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Capricorn (December 22, 23 to January 20) - After
a hectic week you should take time to recharge your batteries
(let the whang get his down time). Go fishing, do a little yard
puttering or take a leisurely ride in the country. Whatever you
do make sure you don't whack it anymore for awhile, that little
guy (and I do mean little) could get hurt if you keep it up.
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Gemini (May 21, 22 to June 21) - All things
come to those who wait and you will find most of your answers by
listening quietly (in other words, don't go losing your
virginity too soon to a Tijuana whore). Quit worrying and take
this Saturday to get out in the back yard with a magazine, some Vaseline,
and plenty of beer. |
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Leo (July 23 to August 22, 23) - A telephone
call, or letter from a good friend you haven't heard from in a
long time could cheer you immensely, but its not likely. Guard
against doing anything that would put you in an awkward sexual
situation or getting any rashes today as this is not a good day
to make a... firm... decision. Take time to get in touch with
your whang. |
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Libra (September 23, 24 to October 22, 23) - Your
nerves and mental processes need that rest you have been
promising yourself (and stop whacking it, your whang is chaffed).
Go boating, driving, or even hula hooping if you must, but get
away from it all, and by no means touch your penis. Go
rent a motel room and spend the night with some strange woman
you don't know. |
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Pisces (February 20 to March 20) - Today is
just right for applying your energy and drive into your
wife/husband or significant other. You could persuade that
special person that you are ready to try again (don't worry, it
happens to everyone at some point in time...he/she didn't mean
to fall asleep). Love is in full bloom, and sex is on the
horizon. Energize your whang. |
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Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21, 22) - Today
you should renew your energies by doing some fun activity in or
around water (I recommend sex). Have you ever heard the joke
"How is American beer like making love in a canoe? It's
fucking close to water." Ever make you curious?
Go with that. And by the way, your fucking name is too hard to
spell. |
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Scorpio (October 23, 24 to November 22) - The
Scorpion may feel like giving a nasty sting today to the people
who disagree with you (heh heh...guess they didn't know you had
Herpes). But put the brakes on and look deep inside for the
cause of your unrest (you're out of cream aren't you?). You are
capable of finding, facing, and defeating any
"shortcomings" on your part that is upsetting
you. Remember, there has to be a product somewhere that
will help your penis grow.
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Taurus (April 21 to May 20, 21) - You do not
have to take care of the world, or your deadbeat brother. Your
friends and acquaintances ask more of you than you want to do
(don't let them pressure you into anal adventures). Saying no is
the best way of separating true friends from your hangers on.
Later today your energies run high so go out and enjoy yourself
but make it an early night (no butt sex for you).
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Virgo (August 23, 24 to September 22, 23) - Someone
who has been false to you in the past is interested in getting
back in the sack with you. Be careful (they haven't been tested
for VDs in awhile). Caution is your keynote for today but with
your crazed sexual life, it's unlikely anything good will come
out. All that glitters is not gold (if you know what I mean) and
that goes for relationships, especially sexual ones. |
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Note: the word whang appears six times today.
That's todays magic number...six. |
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